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I am a daughter
  To a father who is a pedophile and a mother who didn't protect me
I am a sister
  To six siblings, five sisters and one brother
I am a mother
   To my little boy, who is my reason to keep on living
I come from physical abuse
   Years by the hands of a step father who hated me, and a mother who just  watched from the distance
I come from mental and emotional abuse
   Loved one second, hated another, and told over and over again how bad, worthless, and unneeded I am
I come from sexual abuse
   Scary nights learning things I shouldn't of learned so young , no one believing me till the FBI came
I locked away the pain
   And started cutting
I stopped smiling
   And learned to fake my way though life
I am not my father, I am not my mother
   But my biggest fear is that deep down I am
I wished for death and attempted so many times
  The grim reaper must really hate me
I am not religious
   God has forsaken me years ago
I have watched my own blood flow
  And sometimes that self inflicted pain is what got me though my day
I don't know what true love is
   But I can pretend
I have Post Traumatic stress and chronic depression
   Fun huh?
I try my best to do what's right for my son
   But sometimes I wonder if I am what's right for him
I self mutilate, I get depressed, I get emotional, I get suicidal
  If I medicate all I can do is sleep, so I stress trying to do it on my own
I know next time I drive down the highway I'll think
  If only my son wasn't with me….I'd close my eyes and say my last goodbyes
my story in short, yes i have PTSD and Chronic Depression along with a few borderline things but those might not count for much.

The past is the past for a reason, but sometimes the past is what haunts us most.
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:iconglowingradiance:
GlowingRadiance Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Just to make you feel better, I'm a chronic depression patient as well.
And it took me years (this year) to finally understand my own situation.
I'm still trying my best to heal myself out of it.

I forget everything.


I ran away from home.
I ask many people.
I got a few men who cheated me.

But later, I found out that God loves me just the way I am.
He hears me.
He loves me.
He grants me everything (for now I am very grateful that my skills increase
in a very rapid way in just almost one year of practice and reading).

And you, are a being that is wholesome at heart.
Because through your pain and sorrow, you still offer unconditional love towards your son.

Which makes you a whole, human being again.

And in that way, God doesn't forsake you.
Because here I am, trying my best to comfort you.

Oh and I'll drop by again cause I love hearing people sharing their pain.
(If that doesn't bother you.)

Love, from a soul whose heart had finally found a way towards happiness.


<3
Reply
:iconindictedpieces:
IndictedPieces Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013
*hugs*
Reply
:iconlostkudzu:
LostKudzu Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is a sadly beautiful poem.
But never, ever think that God has forsaken you.
God hears the prayers of those who need him.
Just know that he is there, and that you have a child who loves you. This is true love. It's not really anything you can look for. I hope you are able to move past your depression.
Reply
:iconthewhitejewel:
TheWhiteJewel Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
I appreciate you being strong for your son and wish you both the best. :)
Reply
:iconjackel1234:
jackel1234 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011  Student General Artist
I cried at this. It's so emotional and so well written that it just gets to me.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2011
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconrainbow-stalker:
rainbow-stalker Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011
you are an amazing, strong person to have come through all of this, and you aren't your mother or father because after all of this you still put your son first, and that it what true love is. you are an inspiration because you've had all that hardship and neglect and still have it in you to love another human being so much that you keep living for them. i hope you find a way of being happy, because you deserve it more than anyone. <3
Reply
:iconlliya:
Lliya Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
I like it. Of course the style seems to be a halfway mark between a story and a poem considering the line lengths and I believe that takes away a little something. It's nice though. You could try and make it into a true poem, one that rhymes, but I suppose that would take away the realism and making it into a story would take away some of the power and probably induce disturbing images. I have no idea why you posted this, but I like it all the same.
Reply
:iconkismet-infrared:
Kismet-Infrared Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011
I'm sorry.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011
thanks, but you didnt do it. :hug:
Reply
:iconkismet-infrared:
Kismet-Infrared Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2011
But I wasn't there to protect you.

That's why I'm sorry.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2011
oh i see
Reply
:iconshankinater:
Shankinater Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2011
I can really relate to this, and it is very well written by the way. I admire that you are a strong enough person to write about things that must be really hard to deal with. I hope the best for you though. <3
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2011
Thanks <3
Reply
:iconshankinater:
Shankinater Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2011
Anytime =) <3
Reply
:iconsartosis:
Sartosis Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010  Student Writer
This is realy sad. But dont give up!
You have a talent. use it and dont dismiss it freely, keep it and hold it.
I don't think God has not foresaken you!
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010
i suppose its a matter of opinion then on if god has or has not foresaken me. I'm glad you think i have a talent ^^; for what its worth at least:)
Reply
:iconsartosis:
Sartosis Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010  Student Writer
In the end, your opinion is the most important.
And do not make your talent look so bad! its great!
Reply
:icongodzgirl316:
godzgirl316 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
Does it help that I am going through a bunch right now also? I haven't been abused unless bullying counts but I have some issues I'm really struggling with. I can relate to you
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2010
it helps, knowing that im not alone. Bullying counts, and im sorry your struggling and i wish i could say theres a bright light at the end of this, because there really isnt from what i found. dont get me wrong there are bright spots here and there but everything doesnt just magically disappear, things do get better, easier to handle. I'd rather know that your getting though what ever is going on, i dont wish any kind of this on anyone. No one should feel this way. I wish you the best, and a happy ending even if i havent found mine yet.
Reply
:icongodzgirl316:
godzgirl316 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
I wasn't sure if it counted or not. You know. I haven't been bullied in years. But I pretty much bully myself so to speak. I have some problems and my self esteem isn't really there... I really wish you could get better. it makes me reallly sad. I am struggling but I am really trying. I've done everything physically I can do to get better. I pick my fingers for blood to cope, well I haven't in a while and bought band-aides. but My head still isn't there. I don't know if I'll have a happy ending or not. and I really hope yours gets better. if there is anything I can do to help just tell me.
Reply
:icongodzgirl316:
godzgirl316 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
That's so sad. :( I'm sorry.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2010
yeah :/
Reply
:iconxnimkex:
xNimkex Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
i have no idea how to react to this, but wished to comment nonetheless.
i'm amazed by your style of poetry, it's very intense.. so....
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2010
^^; ummm thanks im not really sure what style i have more then i just write exactly how it comes out in my head but thanks nonetheless. :hug:
Reply
:iconxnimkex:
xNimkex Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
well, i'm not sure too, but I love it anyway :hug:
Reply
:icon13nymphadoratonks13:
13NymphadoraTonks13 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
we share similarities.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad, one of those grey area's i suppose. Although I am sorry if you had to go though anything similar to me. I hope things have turned for the better
Reply
:icon13nymphadoratonks13:
13NymphadoraTonks13 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
they have.

slowly

and still are
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010
well thats good even if it is slowly
Reply
:iconforeststone:
Foreststone Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
"I locked away the pain
And started cutting
I stopped smiling
And learned to fake my way though life"
Those lines hit me hard...I can relate to this a little bit but not a lot. I'm so sorry this has happened to you :tighthug:
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010
I hope they didnt hit you hard in a bad way, but its okay. I've learned to deal with everything and i even if it still effects me, im stronger for everything that has happened. :tight hug: but thank you for taking the time to read my work. It means alot to me.


oh p.s. :petting:
sorry you are now part of my random pet marathon. dont forget to pet back and pet others. :)
Reply
:iconforeststone:
Foreststone Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Nope just struck emotion :) which every poet is looking for. :tighthug: Also this may sound weird but if you ever need to talk send me a note...


:petting:
It's all good :lol:
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2010
no its not weird, thanks for saying it :tighthug: and maybe oneday i might actually take you up on that. also mg you petted me back. yay!! :clap:
Reply
:iconforeststone:
Foreststone Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
you're very welcome :tighthug: :XD:
Reply
:iconnarataree:
NaraTaree Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010  Professional Writer
Have you read the story "A Boy Called It." It might make you not feel so alone.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
yes i have actually, back in elementry school and then a few more times up till high school. I use to love the book, and passed a lot of time.
Reply
:iconnarataree:
NaraTaree Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Professional Writer
i think it is a beautiful story.
Reply
:icontruecolor101:
truecolor101 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
God hasn't abandoned you. It may seem that way but, you couldn't have had the strength to live this long if you had hope and that hope is from God. Anyways amazing poem :love:
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
The god thing is and i believe will forever be up to debate with me. But anyway :movingon: thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. :hug: means alot to me.
Reply
:iconcollinsajoshua:
collinsajoshua Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
I have no idea what to write but to say I liked it alot and felt very moved from it from relating to a few of the statments.
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
Thank you very much. It means alot to me that you not only took the time to read my work but to comment as well.
Reply
:iconjakoby-alexander:
jakoby-alexander Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I...I'm not sure what I should even say.. You're very, very strong. Just by reading this I can tell you are, and from willing yourself to stay with your son and not leave him..just..having the courage to write this. Amazing.

I'm thirteen, and I don't know if I've been through as much as other people have, I'm SURE I haven't. There's worse things that have happened to other people, even my friends. But I've gone through sexual abuse, too (from a sibling though), and abuse from a boyfriend (When I was 11, and he was 16 .) It's hard talking about, but it makes me feel a little more comforted if I do tell someone.
I guess we all have our stories and it's comforting in a way, knowing you're not alone.

As for you, you're just..like it's been said before..you're so strong.. I don't know what to say anymore after this, haha, but just remember that you are NOT your mother or your father.
You're loving, caring, amazing. :) :heart: Stay strong. ^^
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2010
Thank you for taking the time to read my writing, that means more to me then i could ever explain in words, though i am not sure I really am all that strong. I give into a lot of my heavy emotions which usually ends up harming myself. I'm sorry for what you have been though, no one should go though any of that. I've had abuseive boyfriends, more then one, seems i'm a sucker for pain, some going as far as rape, but thats something i'd rather keep long forgotten. Talking about it isn't easy and my writings do take me a while which makes me more and more nervious about how well i did, specially since I've blocked out a lot of my life. I wish you the best of luck with life. I cant say everything will ever be hundred percent okay but things do get better, even just a little bit, eventually. Sorry if this isnt all nicely written out and I kind of skip around and ramble...I know i do it but thats how my brain works, way to many side effects of the abuse. But once again thank you for your kind words and taking the time to read my work and comment on it. I really appreaciate it. good luck with life and I hope things get better for you. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconicyemochick69:
Icyemochick69 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010
This is so sad... =( You've went through a lot. I am so sorry.
Reply
:iconahhthehorror:
AhhTheHorror Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010  Student General Artist
:hug:
Reply
:iconmolly1002:
Molly1002 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2010
That's so sad :(
Reply
:iconpoetrice:
poetrice Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2010
:hug: :heart: We're here for you....
Reply
:iconbeyondmytouch89:
BeyondMyTouch89 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2010
Thank you :hug:
Reply
:iconshadowlight-oak:
shadowlight-oak Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
:hug:


I love the way this is written, with a statment followed by an explanation/anaylis.
Reply
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